nothing in the real world ever lives up to what you feel inside.
you just find happiness where you can.

got tt from megatokyo.. its sad and yet stangely inspiring. haha havent been feeling so morose lately... more of just riding the waves (as usual) but its like.. low-tide now, ebbing along slowly. must be due to the coriolis force that causes marine inflow to go to the right and fluvial outflow to go to the left (in the northern hemisphere).. haha oops just studied tt for estuaries.. fully mixed estuaries haha.

anyway i guess life has been rather.. 'plain jane' (haha tts a politically-charged remark, been studying gender equality and change - emasculation of men for gp haha) still been thinking a lot though. just occured to me that.. there are some friends over the past two years that i wish i had invested more time in, spent more time to get to know them a little better.. instead of the occasional tri-monthly messages to check in and catch up, or the little smile and wave hello/bye each time in school. all i see are the many possibilities and beginnings that i've left alone and uncared for, eventually washed away and covered over.

but possibilities remain forever. the choices we make, the paths we take.
and yet so many still remain open to us. to me.

i like the rain. its makes me feel so alive.. appealing to every sensation. the smell of the rain, the touch of tiny droplets splashing off the ground onto my skin, the falling sound of pitter-patter, and the very sight of the cascading magic.

when the rain washes you clean you'll know...

you'll know.




nothing in the real world ever lives up to what you feel inside.
you just find happiness where you can.

got tt from megatokyo.. its sad and yet stangely inspiring. haha havent been feeling so morose lately... more of just riding the waves (as usual) but its like.. low-tide now, ebbing along slowly. must be due to the coriolis force that causes marine inflow to go to the right and fluvial outflow to go to the left (in the northern hemisphere).. haha oops just studied tt for estuaries.. fully mixed estuaries haha.

anyway i guess life has been rather.. 'plain jane' (haha tts a politically-charged remark, been studying gender equality and change - emasculation of men for gp haha) still been thinking a lot though. just occured to me that.. there are some friends over the past two years that i wish i had invested more time in, spent more time to get to know them a little better.. instead of the occasional tri-monthly messages to check in and catch up, or the little smile and wave hello/bye each time in school. all i see are the many possibilities and beginnings that i've left alone and uncared for, eventually washed away and covered over.

but possibilities remain forever. the choices we make, the paths we take.
and yet so many still remain open to us. to me.

i like the rain. its makes me feel so alive.. appealing to every sensation. the smell of the rain, the touch of tiny droplets splashing off the ground onto my skin, the falling sound of pitter-patter, and the very sight of the cascading magic.

when the rain washes you clean you'll know...

you'll k




nothing in the real world ever lives up to what you feel inside.
you just find happiness where you can.

got tt from megatokyo.. its sad and yet stangely inspiring. haha havent been feeling so morose lately... more of just riding the waves (as usual) but its like.. low-tide now, ebbing along slowly. must be due to the coriolis force that causes marine inflow to go to the right and fluvial outflow to go to the left (in the northern hemisphere).. haha oops just studied tt for estuaries.. fully mixed estuaries haha.

anyway i guess life has been rather.. 'plain jane' (haha tts a politically-charged remark, been studying gender equality and change - emasculation of men for gp haha) still been thinking a lot though. just occured to me that.. there are some friends over the past two years that i wish i had invested more time in, spent more time to get to know them a little better.. instead of the occasional tri-monthly messages to check in and catch up, or the little smile and wave hello/bye each time in school. all i see are the many possibilities and beginnings that i've left alone and uncared for, eventually washed away and covered over.

but possibilities remain forever. the choices we make, the paths we take.
and yet so many still remain open to us. to me.

i like the rain. its makes me feel so alive.. appealing to every sensation. the smell of the rain, the touch of tiny droplets splashing off the ground onto my skin, the falling sound of pitter-patter, and the very sight of the cascading magic.

when the rain washes you clean you'll know...




i have to resist self-pity. have to fight it with everything i have, less i once again fall into the pits of misery.

things dont always end up the way they should. but they turn out the way there were meant to. life is a constant challenge filled with ups and downs, and while its easy to recognise tt, its a thousand times harder to accept it. especially when it just seems to be permanently down.

sometimes it just seems like your just drowning, your 'up' periods are just temporary reprieves from the choking water and the struggle for breath. othertimes u imagine your'e flying, and once in awhile a dark cloud obstructs your path and forces you under, but eventually you'll find clear skies again. there are always two sides to a coin, but it takes more than just a flip of it to determine what you get.

its about learning to accept who you are and what your purpose in, understanding and believing in yourself. ironically, and perhaps even sadly, it all boils down to self in the end. recognition of self is the underlying determination of how you behave with others, how you feel; emote. our choices might be filtered, tainted, coloured, but in the end thats what they are. OUR. choices.

it seems then that nothing should be able to pull us down, because its all in our minds. everything is a choice isnt it? depression is a choice, happiness is a choice, anger is a choice, the capacity to feel seems so much like how and what we choose to behave and respond. but tts not true. because there are just somethings out of control, and thats the magic of it all, thats the magic of love. it doesnt matter what kind of love it is, its more than just kisses and hugs, smiles and tears. its a love that breaks all boundaries, a love that we respect and understand, a graceful, steady, stable, constant love.

the love i seek so much.

if only love could find us all
if only hearts didn't have to fall
we can't mislead to make things right
so instead we'll sleep alone tonight

and if somehow fate were in my hands
would it be enough to understand
why we feel lost in a world so small
if only love could find us all...






once the mind takes flight, its takes a long time to settle down again.

i dont think mine has ever settled. whenever it seems that i might have forgotten about all the troubles, all the questions, all the thoughts have just like slid away, they just slide back again. there are so many triggers in life, and everyday is a learning experience.

i remember ever posting that they dont teach you the things we need to know in school. but perceptions change, point of views phase and soon you realise that nothing is really what u thought it to be until its over. the phrase 'you never know what you've got till you lose it' is truer than we'd like to believe, even with the knowledge of such a concept, you really never know what you have, you only know what you've had.

listening to the lyrics 'there's never a wish, better than this' and i realise how fortunate i've been. not just to be where im at now, but fortunate because of the people i have around me. there are many times i've felt lost, alone, uncared for, cast aside, add in all the synonyms you like, i've definitely felt one or another at some time. ironically enough, i decided to blog because of such self-pitying lonesome thoughts. but just thinking about it makes everything change. or does it?

the abundance of memories spawned over the years means nothing if you have no one to share them with, and thats something i've always felt and believed. and perhaps it goes so much more than that. its not about love love, but just love. its something we all crave for, and i think i've just realised that you never know when u have it, and how difficult it is to maintain and keep it before its lost. i guess i'm fortunate again, for now i know just how loved i am.

its hard to tell what love means, especially when i feel like i'm just floating around, no one really bothering enough to give back. but why does that matter? thats not what love is. in its purest form love is about giving, and sacrifices. i remember back in j1 when i was trying to get into council, and they asked me a question about whether i feel council deserves more recognition, and i said they did, and they asked me again about how important recognition was to me, and im pretty sure that i more or less said that it was. i said so with the idea that people need to be recognised for the things that they do, not so much that i would need the recognition. but perhaps i do, so much more than i'd like to allow myself to even. thats what makes it a constant struggle, trying to reconcile the 'to love and be loved' aspects. but we all learn. someway or another.

and i understand how much God loves me.. but i really wonder how much i love him back. its not easy, especially when its so hard to see the love around me. i guess there's more to life than just life, thats what makes our relationship with God so special. but its just so hard to deal with, regardless of what i know.

to me knowledge means nothing without being, and thats something that makes life tough. to have faith is to believe regardless of the circumstances, even when it seems so far away, so hard to hold on. thats something i still have learn.

life is a learning journey, everyday is something new. no matter how bleak, no matter how dreary, as long as you keep going, there's always something everyday.

there has to be.




there are only so many times u can cover up the cracks.
before you know it your whole life is in shambles, everythings a mess. but still u have to cover it all up, because thats your'e nature, thats who you are. everyone is privy to your thoughts but then no one really is, for who really does bother?
why do you invest in others when no one does so in kind?

what does it mean to be alone, but then, what does it mean not to be.

its no long before you realise that your'e no longer covering the cracks, but living in them.

living on a wave of emotion, drowning in the sea of loneliness.




well the last day was pretty special... haha who am i kidding it was great =)

first off... the service was pretty okae, the various speeches were quite good, was qt moving to see our lit teacher choke on stage :S i think i've always been thinking about the ppl i'd miss more of the classmate aspect... but it never occured to me that i'd never have the same kind of teachers again. another thing to miss.

after tt we went out for lunch at hv, was qt funny when caleb told us that he had received 3 msgs from our teachers (who were next door having pizza, and we didnt know) saying 'we can see you' 'we know where you are' 'we know what you are doing' hahaha =) then we went to watch... singapore idol! yes haha joy and stella got 18 tix for us... so we went en masse and sat behind the frenzied maia fans... haha the hand tt kept sticking out behind them was mr ngoeis hahaha :D had a lot of fun there (surprisingly)... taufik and olinda were really good!! dont see what the girls see in slyvester though.... =p

after tt we went to ash's place... wow its really nice, 'like a club house' or 'like a hotel' heh. pretty much just slacked around.. spent the first night chatting and then watching non-stop friends mini-marathon haha.. 0h and my big fat greek wedding, which was qt funny actually heh =) can't remember what time i slept.. but clearly remember when i woke up, when HOWARD TAN crushed my hand with his big foot -_- i mean, if u step on someone's hand you'd jump off right? he didnt even realised he stepped on it -_- haha anyway had great breakfast (thx ash!) and just chatted more... shot some pool, watched friends again, then blade 2, then did some studying (yes we did. haha) time passed so fast.. soon we were eating pizza for dinner =p must definitely do it again!!! as soon as possible... dumb a'levels! heh but it really felt like our exams are over..

reality check. a'levels in about 2 1/2 weeks. back to the grind... or not really back to, more like TO the grind! arghhhh




when will i ever grow up.

and when will i stop being so naive.




today wasnt as special as i thought it would be.




sigh... one more day of school left... and then baccalaureate (or however u spell it) on thurs.

i remember all throughout primary school... or when young at least, all i thought about was 'when will school end... i'll be so glad if there was no more school' but how things have changed. maybe it just grows on you, maybe you start to realise how important a good education is (hahaha) or perhaps its knowing that your'e no longer young, and acting immature is starting to grow old (hrm paradox..)

or maybe its the relationships forged, the lessons learnt, the experiences, the memories. thats what it all comes down to, its more than just the grind of schoolwork, exams, mug mug mug.. scoldings, dc's and on and on...

its the bonds that we make and keep that make it so special.
and now that its ending... its gonna be a special last two days.

take my photo off the wall if it just wont sing for you
cos all thats left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove
ohh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone
oh well it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

give me back my point of view cos i just cant think for you
i can hardly hear you say what should i do well you choose
ohh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone
oh well it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

it seems like such fun...
until you lose what you had won.






The Day After

haha sounds cool right!! =D

anyway heh, for the first time... i couldnt find a seat in hv starbucks! erghhhhhhhh!!!!! :p irritating. and there were like millions of sec 4s studying all over the place :s so many social studies textbooks ugh =p hv is becoming a less good place to study already... too crowded :s

somehow it doesnt feel like the a levels are coming... its as if i have this feeling that it'll pass over so soon, such that, well u know. like i can imagine myself tmrw going 'hey remember when we were taking our a's..' =p i mean, just think about it. does it really seem like 3 years since sept11? does it feel like 10years ago when the first episode of friends aired? (wow i was only... 8 years old :s)

and in a sense... i dont want jc life to end so fast :( found so many things that i want to hold onto, learnt so many things about myself... and so much more i want to learn. its all happening too fast. guess u gotta make the most of it before its too late eh? =)




what a great day its been... the weekend has never been more refreshing after a long week of writing exercises and mugging (of which 75% doesnt stay, the other 25% muddled by slacking away)

BUT!!! =)

i was just thinking on the way home on the bus earlier.. that there's so much more to life. i rmb asking in one of my previous post 'surely there must be more to life than this' and now i realise there is, i just have to find it with patience

i think in everyone's life there's just this moment when u realise whats important to you, what really makes it all worthwhile. you might forget it somewhere along the way, maybe even the next day, the next moment... but as long as you have faith and hope... it will always come back to you.. its when you know that no matter what... its just worth so much more than that

no matter how hard it may seem sometimes... there's always something that makes it all worthwhile, just that little bit... its worth so much more.

got my jacket today... *yay*!! the previous one i wanted didnt have my size was really irritated then... cos i stalled over a month before deciding i wanted it... but i found an even nicer one today.. and i covered act one of a&c too! take that shakespeare :p im happy =)

you broke the night like the sun
and healed my heart with your great love
any trouble couldn't bear
you lifted me upon your shoulders

love that's stronger
love that covers sin
and takes the weight of the world

i love you
all of my hope is in you
jesus christ take my life
take all of me

you stand on mountaintops with me
with you i walk through the valleys
you gave your only son for me
your grace is all i rely on

i love you so, and i give up my heart to say
i need you so, my everything




its all a haze. nothing more, nothing less... thats what life is. or has become.. or seems to be.

'in need of'.. something i overheard of in school today... and it brought to mind instantly the image of a bird, flying out of a cage.... leaving the hand that once cared for it. i dont know why but i just had to say it hear.

sometimes i think i feel like that. not that i'm caged up or trapped, but more like somethings just missing. everything might be provided for.. living a life that many people might want.. but somethings just missing. and i cant pin it down, its hard to see through the haze, though its never been clearer that i need to get out of this, need to get out of here.

been listening to classical-ish balladish music... definitely in a relaxed mood and yet moody at the same time. anything to escape the confines of exams.

anything. give me just anything.




'when will you be home' she asks
as we watch the plane take off
we both know we have no clear answer
to wear my dreams my lead

she's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
as a child she was my world
and now to let my go
i know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

you can fly so high, keep your gaze upon the sky
i'll be praying ever step along the way
even though it breaks my heart to know
we'll be so far apart
i love you too much to make you stay
baby fly away

autumn leaves fell into spring time
and silver painted hair
daddy called one evening saying
we need you please come back

when i saw her laying in her bad
fragile as a child
pale just like an angel taking flight
i held her as i cried

you can fly so high, keep your gaze upon the sky
i'll be praying every step along the way
even though it breaks my heart to know
we'll be so far apart
i love you too much to make you stay
baby fly away

i love you too much to make you stay
baby fly away

fly

i love this song.. tts what love is. tts what love should be.
*sigh*




omg... the advert for the new samsung SGH-E800 is DAMN NICE!!!!!!!
hahaha and the phone looks damn cool too... =p

good advertising does work.

josh. 22. acsian for life

Hpps/Acs(i)/Acjc/Smu SocSc

living life in the fast lane,
missing the smell of roses.
always looking for the stars,
all i see are grey clouds.

learn japanese and french
learn to cook
drive a sporty convertible
travel to japan & europe
rent my own apartment

find God again
fall in love

ashypoo becca chewie clara dawny dalena eugy joy kexian liz luke mich stella tengchi vinia yp zhern aH'04 prompics zoopics

listening to: 周杰倫. My Chemical Romance. Tristan Prettyman.

watching: Lost Season 4. Friday Night Lights Season 1

reading: Thomas Pynchon - Gravity's Rainbow.

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